“. . . for women to make real progress in and out of their homes, men must give something up: the backwards dream of holding onto their feminist bona fides while seeking out female partners willing to limit their own aspirations to the home.”

I agree with the great bulk of what you say here. But the lines above bear a little poking at.

For the record: recalcitrant, retrograde men, including — gasp! — among the ranks of the supposedly “woke” are a real and important impediment to genuine equality. And I will cite Gloria Steinem’s definition here: “Women will only be completely equal in the professional sphere when men are completely equal in the domestic sphere.”

That said, it is not just shifty, “say this but do that,” men “arguing that women are just naturally better at caretaking or domestic work.” That’s the position — often articulated, sometimes subtextual — of plenty of women as well, arguably a majority.

I would suggest that, for all the blood, sweat, and tears expended on the (not yet over) fight for equality in the professional sphere, it felt/feels good to women to be fighting “for” something, fighting to gain ground, to get “in.” We rarely fight to cede an area of authority with the same vigor we bring to “fighting our way in.” In the domestic sphere, women have to . . . “give something up: the backwards dream of holding onto their” superior at cooking, cleaning, and kidcare “bona fides.”

[In a minor key, I would also suggest that “limit their own aspirations to the home” slights both men and women who take on the primary burden of domestic work in their households — your larger body of work suggests that this is not your intent, but that’s how it comes across on a fast read.]

To be as clear as possible: I am NOT rejecting any of the fundamental premises here; I am NOT dismissing what men need to do and shunting the burden onto women; I just want to point out that the reconfiguration of gender norms and domestic arrangements is a complicated water ballet and that we all have further work to do.

Don Unger

Men Can: The Changing Image & Reality of Fatherhood in America